1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive. 2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew. 3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs. 4. Prolong the life of razors by...
"Having more than one nomination could have made things harder, or easier."--Sen. Charles Schumer (D., N.Y.), July 14 Way to be decisive! "Muslim Support for bin Laden Drops"--headline, CBSNews.com, July 14 Maybe he should get an Athletic supporter then "New London Bombing Arrest: Report"--headline, Daily Telegraph (Australia), July 14 Boy! They must really hate that Emminent Domain SCOTUS Ruling! "Experts in 2005 predict that Alabama will have had a black governor b...
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there wa...
Due to the popularity of computers and the IQ of those now owning one, I am forced to revise my rates. Heretofor and forevermore (until the next price hike) is the Rate structure: New computer helpdesk support fees: Calling me with a question - $10 Calling me with a stupid question - $30 Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $50 Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description - $100...
REWARD OFFERED A REWARD OF 500 MICROFARADS IS OFFERED FOR THE INFORMATION LEADING TO THE ARREST OF HOP-A-LONG CAPACITY. THIS UNRECTIFIED CRIMINAL ESCAPED FROM A WESTERN PRIMARY CELL WHERE HE HAD BEEN CLAMPED IN IONS AWAITING THE GAUSS CHAMBER. HE IS CHARGED WITH THE INDUCTION OF AN 18 TURN COIL NAMED MILLI HENRY WHO WAS FOUND CHOKED AND ROBBED OF VALUABLE JOULES. HE IS ARMED WITH A CARBON ROD AND IS A POTENTIAL KILLER. CAPACITY IS ALSO CHARGED WITH DRIVING DC MOTOR OVER A WHEATSTONE BRIDGE...
"Hurricane Emily Wrecks Havoc in Mexico" - Associate Press, Tuesday, July 19, 2005 See? Some Hurricans can do good. Havoc is now wrecked in Mexico! "London Bombing Briefs"--headline, Olympian (Olympia, Wash.), July 12 British switching to boxers. "Death Less Painful for the Rich"--headline, LiveScience.com, July 8 Are they less dead as well? "Judge Condemns Interior Department"--headline, Associated Press, July 12 New Shopping Mall to be built in its place. ...
"Bush Skewers Self at Correspondents' Dinner"--headline, Reuters, April 30 Is he trying to outdo Ford on pratfalls now? "Up to Her Eyes in Gore, and Loving It"--headline, New York Times, April 30 That better be Tipper, or Al's in Big trouble! "Half a Million Taught in Schools Without a Head"--headline, Independent (London), April 29 If this were the Navy, I would say they have a major bladder problem. But perhaps now we know the reason Johnny cant read. "Macs Are ...
The Chinese have always had a tradition, going back to feudal times, of burning money at a loved one's funeral. The reasoning is so that they will not go wanting in the hereafter. But with the new found wealth of a middle class, apparently some Chinese are burning more than just money! Over the past two years, officials have discovered people burning paper offerings of the potency drug Viagra, their mistresses and even “Supergirls” — dolls modelled on winning contestants of the ...
"Greeks, Cypriots Slam Rice Comments on Turkey"--headline, Reuters, April 26 Was that with or without gravy? "Iowa Deputies Seek Serial Vomit Dumper"--headline, Associated Press, April 25 These speciality jobs are getting a little too specialized! "Experts Make Flatulence-Free Bean"--headline, BBC Web site, April 25 That is all fine and good, but I have never heard a bean fart. "First Indian Skis to North Pole, Says It's Freezing"--headline, Agence France-Presse, April...
"Ark. Man Pleads Guilty to Cross-Burning"--headline, Associated Press, April 24 Noah's been hitting the wine again. "Democrats Say Lieberman Too Close to Bush"--headline, Associated Press, April 24 So was Moses, but his was Burning. "County Considers Trash Fine"--headline, Danville (Va.) Register & Bee, April 20 Should we donate ours to that county? "SEIU President Supports Striking Janitors"--headline, Associated Press, April 22 That will teach them to leave ...
"Psychologist: Moussaoui Conduct Abnormal"--headline, Associated Press, April 18 I dont see why. Everyone I know dreams of flying planes into buildings. "Egg Roll Includes Gay Parents"--headline, Register-Guard (Eugene, Ore.), April 18 I think I will stick with the Shrimp ones. "Experts Suggest Spacing Pregnancies"--headline, Associated Press, April 18 A bit drastic way to reduce population growth by shipping the pregnant into outer space. "U.S. Records Drastic De...
"Experts Agree They Disagree"--headline, Herald News (West Paterson, N.J.), April 14 I guess that makes them right........and wrong. "Tom: Yes, Katie Can Make Noise During Birth"--headline, MSNBC.com, April 13 Katie had a come to Jesus talk with Tom! "Student Can Recite Poem With Profanity"--headline, Associated Press, April 14 In training to become a drunken sailor? "Sesame Street Duo Held in Crack Bust"--headline, Times Herald-Record (Middletown, N.Y.), April 17 ...
"Scientist: Let Cows Be Cows"--headline, Stuff (New Zealand), April 6 I wonder if they are Psychologist Scientists? "Fish Holds Breath for Months"--headline, LiveScience.com, April 7 Wouldn't you if you had to live in your own toilet? "Experts Fly In for Maggot Summit"--headline, Manchester (England) Evening News, April 11 Fly in for Maggots? Which came first, the chicken of the egg? The Fly or the Maggot? "Oprah Winfrey: Wealth Is 'a Good Thing' "--headline...
"Judge Tosses Lawsuit Over Water Tanks"--headline, Arizona Republic, April 4 Is that part of the new law decathalon? "Scientists Plan Slingshot to the Moon"--headline, vnunet.com, April 4 Must have been a big slingshot. "Jesus Could Have Walked on Ice, Scientist Says"--headline, LiveScience.com, April 4 Skating would have been more practical. "Tattoos, Visible Piercings Could Affect Appearance-Related Job Opportunities"--headline, Echo (University of Tennessee at Chatt...