My Mother, Loving, Kind, stern and a Saint

Published on November 15, 2005 By Dr Guy In Blogging

Recently there has been a spate of "how could they" blogs that trashed working mothers. I know the intent was not to trash all of them, but in their zeal to demonstrate their anti-feminism, they caught a lot of innocent mothers as well. Including mine.

Let me tell you about her.

She was Valedictorian of her class. She would have gone to college except my aunt got polio, so the money was not there. She wound up marrying a loser. Had some kids (we are catholic, this was the 50s - get over it).

I am second oldest, and when I was 4 (ages at this time, 7-4-3-1), the loser left. Only to be seen once more in my life. So my mother went to work.

Wait! What about Child support! Alimony? Get real! This was the 60s! yea, the court ordered it! My mother got 1 check!

I was the man of the house, so I assumed a lot of responsibilities at the tender age of 6. I would get up, dress, make breakfast and my mother's lunch. And then wake the others. I did this for 2 years. Until.....

Eventually she met and fell in love with another man. A Navy guy. They married, and he shipped off to England for 2 years. So while he was in England, I went back to doing what I had been doing. My sister, an angel now, was a waste then. Even she will tell you.

So yes, I grew up fast.

Then he came home. He was still young. Wanted some children of his own. So my Sister was born. My god-daughter! I have written about her before. It was a tough labor and my step father was a bad sleeper, so I had to wake him and tell him of his daughter.

Then he went to Nam. My mother went back to work. there were 5 of us then. I was pre teens. He came back, and decided to switch to the army. The army screwed up big time! First they promised no BT, then they made him! They they found the agreement! So he was re-promoted and assigned 3000 miles away. We packed up and drove out. Got there, and the new post decided there was a mistake! No, the real post was 3000 miles away! 300 miles from where we had been!

We headed back. And during that journey, someone ran out of BC pills. (we are Catholic - they are not illegal - learn or get over it) And conceived twins.

They were born in Letterman. Now there were 7 of us, and I was changing diapers on 3, before I was 15.

I love every one of my siblings. Everyone is a god's gift to my mother! And me.

And as things go, that man left. Decided he wanted some fresh thang! Not one burdened with 7 brats.

So she had to work again. At least this time, the courts were more proactive, and this guy did send some money. Not a lot. His trophy bride required most of it. But some.

So yes, I raised my siblings. Not alone. All of us took turns changing diapers, babysitting, and helping. Kind of like they did 100 years ago before the noblesse oblige of the current aristocracy took over.

We did it, because we were needed. We did it, and we learned. Learned the value of a buck. learned the value of hard work. Learned the value of pitching in.

Now some have decided my mother was a bad person. Why? Because she could not provide for 7 children while not working. When she was a single parent.

Some say that. But I see a strong woman. Whose only fault is in bad choices in men. I see a strong woman who I admire, and fight with tooth and nail! I see a strong woman that the likes no longer exists in today's society. For in all those years, when she was the sole bread winner, she never accepted a dime of government assistance or charity. Not a damn dime (and neither did I in my darkest hour either).

I am sorry that those of you with plenty and have forgotten your dearth do not see that. I am sorry that my mother is not up to your Utopian standards. I am sorry you have forgotten what it is like to scratch and claw for the next day's meal. When dinner is mac and cheese (I hate it!).

I am sorry my mother does not live up to your standards. But I am sorry for you. For I am not sorry for my mother and what she did. And I am not sorry for any of my siblings. No matter how many should have been aborted. In my opinion, none of them should have, and I appreciate every one of them.

And I am not sorry for losing a childhood to help her. I guess I am warped. I really enjoyed my children's childhood! Even bought my son a race car set he did not ask for just so I could play with him.

I am not sorry. I am not ashamed. I am proud of my mother, and who I am.

period.

Comments (Page 2)

Texas Wahine

on Nov 15, 2005

And having so many kids the mother "has" to work to feed them, is irresponsible. Because she is not raising them, no matter how good the kids are.

This is not my quote. It's Tova's. I don't think this implies that your mother was a bad person, but even if it DID, show me where I said she was a bad person.

You misread. Try again.

Misread what? Please enlighten me.

And get off the military kick. That was what my step was. It is not an indictment on any military.

WTF? Military kick? I never implied anything about the character of your step or of the military.

I am referring to couples who have more kids than they can afford

Again, this is Tova's quote, not mine. Please try to use my own quotes to back up what you are claiming I've said.

You call it then. Sorry, I dont do to well with euphemisms,

I've been very clear on this. I think it is a poor choice to have a large number of children when you don't have the financial means to support them AND have a parent available for them.

This means use birth control, use restraint, use family planning. It does not have to be abortion, and I've NEVER suggested that your mother should have aborted one of her children.

People find themselves in difficult situations. Your mother did the best she could with hers. Had you stated up front the conditions that led to your mother working round the clock while trying to support 7 children, I would have been much more understanding.

Sorry if I got upset and decided not to start a flame war on her Blog.

You mean, you're sorry you got upset and threw out a hateful insult (that clearly would incite more hateful banter) on her blog and then continued it here?

Thank you for helping me to prove my points.

I don't do well with euphemisms, either. Please explain what you mean by this.

Guess I just read into "too many kids".

Again, I've been very clear on this. You've been the only one on that thread or this one to suggest abortion.

Guess you read into " a dumb NCO".

Nope. I didn't. Why would I think that?

So how do you reduce the number of kids?

I've said it over and over again. Birth control, natural family planning method, or restraint. It works.

As far as a Dumb NCO, we can ignore them.

I never said "dumb NCO" and I'm not sure what this comment is supposed to mean.

Tova7

on Nov 15, 2005

Doc I posted this on my thread but will again on yours.

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you think I was talking down about your mom.

I was painting with a wide brush and I do tend to do that when I am angry.

I do agree with Tex in that I think people should plan to stay home and raise their own kids when they have them. Do plans get changed? Things happen? YES, of course.

I was venting about my personal experiences, which are really the only things I can speak about with any authority. And just so we are clear, I don't believe in abortion for any reason, not even incest or rape. But that's MY opinion and of course I've never been pregnant by incest or rape so there ya go!

Please don't fight with Tex over this. I wrote my blog while angry and frankly I am still pretty mad about the whole deal. But that is on me.

MarcieMoo

on Nov 15, 2005

*ahem* Raises hand! May I?

I'm not a parent. That's my disclaimer.

I think sometimes that parents do get mired down in the "stuff=love" type of mentality. And I think kids tend to think that way, too, because that's what mom and dad think.

I hope if I'm ever blessed with kids that that's not the way they think. I hope they realize that mom and dad's time and attention and affection is worth much more than the megasauras Lego set they've been wanting.

I grew up with both parents working. I was shuttled off to grandma's after school and before school some days, too, so mom and dad could work. They both needed to, though. My dad was a school custodian and when I was younger my mom cleaned houses, and she even worked at stint at KFC before she got her job working at the jail almost 15 years ago.

My sister has to get herself up and get herself to school every morning. Granted, she's a senior in high school, but she's been doing this for several years...either coming home to an empty house 12 miles from civilization, or getting herself ready in the morning. My mom's a widow, though. My sister doesn't have any choice.

I fully understand that people have to work. And I *KNOW* it's hard to be a single parent. It's about making priorities though, and arrangements for your children to be safe and cared for if you aren't able to be there. And it's also about using the time you do have to show your kids what's important.

Meh...that's just me.

Trudygolightly

on Nov 16, 2005

Beautiful tribute to your mom, God bless her.

She sure raised wonderful kids!
and doing it after a spouse has flown the coop is so difficult
and heartbreaking at the same time.

Thanks for sharing of your life Dr.G.

Dr Guy

on Nov 16, 2005

This is not my quote. It's Tova's. I don't think this implies that your mother was a bad person, but even if it DID, show me where I said she was a bad person.

I am not accusing you of anything, nor am I only quoting you. INdeed, I did quote Tova7. But for some reason, everything I write, you take personally. If I said "I think abortion is immoral", you would take that as an attack on you.

People find themselves in difficult situations. Your mother did the best she could with hers. Had you stated up front the conditions that led to your mother working round the clock while trying to support 7 children, I would have been much more understanding.

That is the reason for this article. I did not feel it was appropriate for Tova's.

And please, stop reading everything I write as relating to you. There are many others both on Tovas and here that are commenting.

You mean, you're sorry you got upset and threw out a hateful insult (that clearly would incite more hateful banter) on her blog and then continued it here?

I asked you before to show me my hateful comment, there or here. You have not. However, you have inferred things not stated. And from those inferations, you have decided that it was a hateful insult. I cannot change your mind in that.

I've said it over and over again. Birth control, natural family planning method, or restraint. It works.

Birth control, except abortion, does not work once the woman has conceived. My mother did not plan on getting a divorce after 4, nor on having 7 children. Did you not read what I wrote? The last 2 were an accident, but she was not going to abort them after getting pregnant. So again, how would birth control, family planning or anything else work when no method of birth control is 100%. That means even with all that, people still get pregnant.

Dr Guy

on Nov 16, 2005

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you think I was talking down about your mom.

I was painting with a wide brush and I do tend to do that when I am angry.

Tova7, thank you. I did not want to inflame your blog (which I do agree with for the most part, just not all the comments). And in the heat of battle, we can say things that we do not mean, or word it improperly so that it is misunderstood. After the embers die down, we would like to retract some things, or in my case at the very least clarify what I meant.

I respect you greatly as I know you were born of a very hot fire. I have read that much. I am also glad that when we stepped back, we could see what each has said, and understand perhaps we were talking at cross purposes, not debating direct points.

Thank you again.

Dr Guy

on Nov 16, 2005

I fully understand that people have to work. And I *KNOW* it's hard to be a single parent. It's about making priorities though, and arrangements for your children to be safe and cared for if you aren't able to be there. And it's also about using the time you do have to show your kids what's important.

I fully understand the mothers that Tova7 is talking about, and I have no use for them either. But I also know there are many mothers out there that have to work, through misfortune, or bad judgements, and they should not be lumped with the former group.

I think, as Tova7 said, she was angry when she wrote her article. And while the article was very clear, the comments were not. I think we both agree now, and understand it was just anger that got the sparks flying. We were arguing at cross purposes, not on point.

Dr Guy

on Nov 16, 2005

Thanks for sharing of your life Dr.G.

Thank you Trudy. My Mother and I still fight like Cats and dogs, but I do admire and respect what she sacraficed for myself and my siblings.

foreverserenity

on Nov 16, 2005

I don't think Dr. Guy is misrepresenting it all that much. There's a lot of "working women" bashing that is going on over there. It's pretty disgusting, to be honest.

That said, Dr. Guy, I believe that your mother would have fit into Tova's disclaimer--women who needed to work.

My mother on the otherhand, would not. Probably why I find Tova's thread to be so---well--horrible.

Gee, I had no idea... I've got to go see. I've been MIA so haven't gotten around to every blog yet!

Your mom was a great mom Doc and one I admire too. My mom was a working mom and I loved her for being able to do that and take care of us at the same time. Go working moms! (me included!)

shadesofgrey

on Nov 16, 2005

My problem is not so much "working moms" (I was a working mom myself for several years) as it is the whole "chasing your tail to buy crap and spending no time with your kids" deal (...)And just as an FYI, what I found horrible and disgusting was Dr.Guy's characterization of the stay-at-home moms on Tova's thread as "fat, lazy, and dumb".

TW--Sorry I ran off last night before you posted your response. I didn't want you to think that I didn't see it. I can imagine why the "fat, lazy, and dumb" line was hurtful to you, and I understand why you reacted the way you did. I do not disagree with you regarding parents who are working for the almighty dollar, but I believe there are a lot of other benefits to women to have a career outside the home (if that is what they want to do)--and I don't think it makes them bad parents even if they can afford to get by without it.

Texas Wahine

on Nov 16, 2005

Dr.Guy: I don't want or need this drama, so I'm going to try very hard to explain myself clearly. I think more than anything this is an issue of miscommunication (a failing on both our parts).

I definitely felt accused by this article. The assertions you made were clearly leveled at the participants on tova's thread, and I am one of those participants.

You are making a generalization here that is false. I do not take everything you write personally. I did take this personally, and I hope you can understand why I would.

That is the reason for this article. I did not feel it was appropriate for Tova's.

And that's fine. It's not my responsibility to judge whether your articles are worthy or warranted or not, Dr.Guy. If this had been written without the little digs at the participants on tova's thread, I would have seen this as nothing more than a beautiful tribute written by a loving son.

I don't think your mom is a bad person, and I certainly think your mom's story is worth telling. I certainly "get" the point of your article and I think it is a very good one. I was distracted from that point, however, by the not-so-subtle slams.

And please, stop reading everything I write as relating to you. There are many others both on Tovas and here that are commenting.

This is a common problem for me. I tend to do the very thing you're doing here when I'm talking with my husband. "You always" "they never" "nothing" "everything"

I don't read everything you write as relating to me. I read this as relating to me because it is an expansion of our discussion on tova's thread and makes accusations about that thread's participants (with particular reference to OUR conversation wherein you suggested your mom have an abortion).

I asked you before to show me my hateful comment, there or here. You have not.

I posted it here. If you don't feel it was hateful, fine. I did. You have claimed that you didn't level that "fat, dumb, and lazy" label at stay-at-home moms. OK. Let me tell you why I felt that you were applying that label to stay-at-home moms.

During the discussion you made a comment about ME (and I assume others who agreed with me) trying to dictate how many children people should have. Your comment referenced back to it:

I think perhaps we have grown fat, dumb and lazy to now start dictating how many children

.

The women holding that position on the thread were SAHMs and were voicing their opinions from that standpoint.

If there is a misunderstanding here, please clarify to whom you were referring if not to the SAHM moms on the thread or me personally.

This miscommunication is MY fault. I was not clear and I am starting to understand how you could have inferred what you did from what I wrote.

I would never suggest that a woman abort a wanted, but unexpected, pregnancy. What I meant, and was not clear about, is that when it is a CHOICE whether or not to GET PREGNANT, a couple should not choose to have more children than they can provide for both with the finances required AND, more importantly, imo, the time and energy required.

When you gave your example, I didn't have any reason to assume anything other than a stable, loving family who simply chose to have a houseful of children when they were unable to support them without leaving them to raise themselves.

I assumed, and you know what happens when we assume, that your mother and the NCO you mentioned, were a stable, long term couple and that all the children were the result of their union.

I apologize for my wrong assumption.

Re: Birth Control

When used correctly, birth control is VERY close to 100% effective.

The main thing I want to stress is this: I understand the need to do what it takes to provide for your children. I don't have anything against working moms (again, I used to be one). For the record, I don't have a problem with moms who work for the purpose of personal fulfillment (which in turn makes them happier and better moms).

However, when we have children, I think we have a responsibility to put their needs first. That is why I feel it is not ideal to intentionally have a large family when there is not sufficient income to care for the children without both parents having to be constantly absent from the home.

Dr.Guy, you have every reason to admire and cherish your mother. I think your praise of her is very much warranted. I don't think she is a bad person. I think she overcame many difficult circumstances and gave you the best she humanly could. Please know that I am not trying to condemn your mother.

Texas Wahine

on Nov 16, 2005

Dr.Guy: No comment?

Dr Guy

on Nov 16, 2005

Your mom was a great mom Doc and one I admire too. My mom was a working mom and I loved her for being able to do that and take care of us at the same time. Go working moms! (me included!)

Working moms (not by choice, but by necessity) are the greatest. They have to do it. It would be nice to be all June Cleaver's or Mrs Bradys but that is not always the case. We can denigrate those who Tova7 Talked about, and then Udigit really defined. But to lump all of them together is not good. Tova7 and I have settled our differences, and understand in the heat of the moment, we said somethings that were not right.

I respect all working mothers who can be super moms, work when they have to, get their husbands to be stay at home (one of my best friends and former employee is one), or because of a dead beat dad.

I do not respect the ones that Tova7 wrote about in her article. They are like the mother I saw, dressed to the nines going out on a date, and wiping her kids snotty nose on his shirt!

Dr Guy

on Nov 16, 2005

I can imagine why the "fat, lazy, and dumb" line was hurtful to you,

And unfortunately mis interpreted.

Dr Guy

on Nov 16, 2005

Dr.Guy: No comment?

Nice try. maybe you can get that chip off your shoulder and ask, where is he? Or maybe I was in class all day?

Look, I offered an olive branch. You mis-read. I already pointed that out. You want a pound of flesh as well? Perhaps it is not what I said, but your own feelings that are causing you to continue to carry this vendetta.

But as I do respect you, I will answer now. Sorry I was in class. Sorry I am not at your beck and call.

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