Family First

Published on May 18, 2006 By Dr Guy In Blogging

Has anyone heard those commercials? We are being inundated with them. How you should do this and that for your family. Some are common sense, few are actually enlightening. But some are just wrong!

Wrong? Yes. Sorry. Maybe I am a bad parent. But the latest is "reward your child for good grades". Sorry, I don't buy that. You do not reward for expectations (lets not go into the the differently abled and their incentives - lets stick with the mainstream).

I was never rewarded. None of my siblings were either. And I don't reward mine. I reward them for outstanding awards! Like my youngest son! But good grades (with the awareness of ability) are expected. I do not expect my dyslexic daughter to be in the top 10 of her class, but by the same token I do expect my son who can run rings around me in trivial pursuit to be! When they get an award, yes! We celebrate (no money, a special occasion).

But paying for grades? No! I am not paid extra for doing my job. I get bonuses when I go ABOVE and BEYOND my job!

So what is this "family matters" stuff? I have no idea. But it is way off base. yes, I do a hi five when they do obtain their potential. But I am not going to give them money for it! That is like saying "do OK, and we will make sure you are on our wall of fame". Excuse me! I am not the Fokkers. Rewarding excellence is fine. Rewarding mediocrity is not. I am not saying drive them to extremes! But as a parent, you know them better than anyone else. And rewarding mediocrity is not going to propel them to greatness.

The delicate balance of a parent is knowing what their potential is. And for those up and coming or non-parents, let me tell you a secret.

THERE IS NO PLAYBOOK!

But the key is your love of the child and their individuality. And experience! yes, the last is there as well.

I did not drive any of my children too hard. But at the same time, I am not doing attaboys for a 3.5 when I know he can do a 4.0. I am not trashing him, but it is "OK, so where were the B's? reading? OK, why? you read the Godfather and that took you longer so they downgraded you? That is stupid! It is a much higher grade level! They should have accounted for that"

See what I mean? Accepting mediocre when you know (not objectively, subjectively) they can do better is not helping them. But seeing when the schools label them mediocre when you know they are not, is also knowing your child. And praising them when the schools do not is worth more than any money you can ever give.

money is stupid. It rewards not excellence, but just the retarded (with deference to the outstanding teachers on JU that do not fit that stereotype) mindless bureaucrats that cant differentiate between "Sam I am" and "The Godfather", only see the number of books.

Family First? Take your suggestion and support a stupid teacher! The good ones, and the good students don't need that stupidity.

Comments (Page 1)

Moderateman

on May 18, 2006

the more blame they can shove on a family the less blame substandard teachers have to deal with. Just look how badly the Teachers responsibility prop was defeated here in california.

Dr Guy

on May 18, 2006

the more blame they can shove on a family the less blame substandard teachers have to deal with. Just look how badly the Teachers responsibility prop was defeated here in california.

While accurate, it is not really on this group. This is a touchy feely do nothing but feel good about it group. And it really pisses me off.

Tova7

on May 18, 2006

I can see both sides of this.

When my son works hard and gets all A's I like to reward him. It motivates him to keep on keepin on...and lets him know we are paying attention.

On the other hand, I expect him to get straight A's because he is more than capable. So we generally use his grades as payment for privileges. If he gets anything lower than a B, then he hasn't "earned" his privileges for the weekend. That basically means he's grounded.

We consider school his job....his "pay"is passing 4th grade, and privileges...but occasionally I like to give him a bonus (money, or new video game) for doing a good job.

But I don't like celebrating all the little mediocre milestones either...."Hey your kid can sharpen a pencil, lets have a party!" kind of things...hehehehe...ok dramatic, but you get my meaning.

Trudygolightly

on May 18, 2006

" praising them when the schools do not is worth more than any money you can ever give."

WOW! wish more parents knew this

good article Dr. !

Moderateman

on May 18, 2006

I had a formular for my kids, they understood it well too:

B or higher= freedom.

Charissa Kaschel

on May 18, 2006

When I was growing up and it's the same for my sisters, the last 2 report cards of the year we are given $20 an A and the money is to go strictly towards a summer missions trip. We have to raise all of our own money for the trips including spending money so it is my parents way of not only supporting our good grades but also our desire to serve on a missions trip. I will probably do the same thing with my child. It motivated us towards the end of the year when the initial desire is to slack off, but to keep going instead because we knew we had a $600 trip coming up to pay for. We understood, and my children will too.
Charissa

MasonM

on May 18, 2006

I haven't seen these ads, but then I rarely watch tv.

As for rewarding good grades, I have mixed feelings about it. Yes, positive reinforcement is a good thing, but so is personal responsibility and living up to ones expected performance standards.

I think a "great job" type atta boy is sufficient reward.

KFC Kickin For Christ

on May 18, 2006

I think over the years we tried different things especially when they were younger. Report card day was a big deal especially when they were in grade school.

What I remember really working well was the "goodie basket" on the top of my fridge. If they brought home an A paper or had done something especially nice that day, they got to pick out of the basket. In that basket I would have lots of things that would make a little boy smile at least for a few minutes.

Sometimes they would grab a pack of gum, a whistle or a candy bar or other times it might be a pack of baseball cards or a GI Joe. I always kept it full of things I knew they especially liked.

Whatever, it worked because for the most part my kids got pretty good grades.....well with the exception of my youngest. I tried everything with him. He would say, a C is average. What's wrong with that? But now he's in college so I guess he's doing ok now. His grades? Better but they could always be better if he would fully apply himself. Maybe I should think about getting another "goodie basket."

SanChonino

on May 18, 2006

My parents never rewarded me for my grades. They knew my strengths, and expected A's.

However - my little sister has a lot more trouble in school. She's not as intellectually motivated, so my parents do use positive reinforcements for her gradewise.

I don't intend to do it to my children, but in the case of my sister, I can see how it can help.

dynamaso

on May 19, 2006

Personally, I thinnk there is far too much emphasis placed on reports and grades. I think this sort of system places far too much pressure on the child and some children just don't cope with it. How do I know this? I was one such child. While I studied well, knew my subject matter and would take an active part in discussions in class, I used to get very bad exam nerves, which of course meant my grades were poor to average. These results were not a testament to by knowledge or abilities and even my teachers knew this.

With all the kids out there getting straight A's, is there any room for a B average and does this mean, in the future, anything less than A's is not going to be good enough?

Dr Guy

on May 19, 2006

But I don't like celebrating all the little mediocre milestones either...."Hey your kid can sharpen a pencil, lets have a party!" kind of things...hehehehe...ok dramatic, but you get my meaning.

That is what this is more about. And yea, straight A's? I took my son to his favorite restaurant (a japanese one with the show). But getting an A on a test? No, that gets a congratulations, but I am not going to buy him a Video game.

Dr Guy

on May 19, 2006

good article Dr. !

Thanks Trudy.

Dr Guy

on May 19, 2006

B or higher= freedom.

That is fine. I dont mind letting them have extra priveledges for work well done, but I am not going to pay them. It is like when you finish a tough project at work and turn it in and the boss tells you to take the afternoon off.

Dr Guy

on May 19, 2006

We understood, and my children will too.

Those are good lessons, and while you were given money for your grades, the ulterior motive was much greater.

Dr Guy

on May 19, 2006

As for rewarding good grades, I have mixed feelings about it. Yes, positive reinforcement is a good thing, but so is personal responsibility and living up to ones expected performance standards.

That is exactly what it is all about. Sometimes money is appropriate, but not always.

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