"Middle East Unmoved by Bush Summit Plan"--headline, Guardian (London), July 17

The mountain did not come to Mohammed.

"Shuttle Crew Practice Countdown"--headline, CNN.com, July 17

They keep skipping 7.

"Local Obesity Conference Draws Large Crowd"--headline, Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser, July 19

And the local Anorexic conference draws thin ones?

"Fencing Would Assist Border Agents"--headline, TownHall.com, July 19

Broad swords at dawn!

"It's Official: Earthquakes Are Back"--headline, San Jose Mercury News, July 18

Now we can stop worrying about Global Warming.

"Grad Student Finds 'Pre-Dinosaur' "--headline, Chicago Sun-Times, July 20

I think it is called an egg.

"Tiny Brain No Problem for French Tax Official"--headline, Der Spiegel, July 20

This is news?  For a tax official or a Frenchman?

"Man and Squirrel Form a Tight Bond"--headline, Sioux City (Iowa) Journal, July 23

Bullwinkle cut out of the loop.

"Clinton Focuses on Female Bonding"--headline, USA Today, July 23

News from 1998?

"Shark Attacks Lawyer Off Oahu"--headline, Seattle Times, July 22

So much for professional courtesy.

"Driver Faces 7 Years in Death"--headline, Gloucester County (N.J.) Times, July 24

Then he gets to live again?

"State Law: Schools Are Required to Supply Kids"--headline, Register Herald (Beckley, W.Va.), July 26

I thought that was the parents responsibility.  Is there NOTHING the parents are responsible for any more?

"Getting Old an Expensive Prospect"--headline, Seattle Post-Intelligencer, July 25

The alternative sucks though.

" 'Tomorrow' Host Snyder Dies at 71"--headline, CNN.com, July 30

Good thing tomorrow never comes.

"Sun Has Profit for Third Straight Quarter"--headline, New York Times, July 31

I knew it was dumping its excess profits on us and causing Global Warming!

"Beavers in House District 101"--headline, Hattiesburg (Miss.) American, July 28

Truckers migrating to house district 101.

"Australian School Makes Sunglasses Compulsory for Pupils"--headline, Agence France-Presse, July 31

So they use sunglasses down under for other parts of the body?

"Mexican Refugee Requests Skyrocket"--headline, Toronto Star, Aug. 5

Kind of an expensive solution to the illegal immigration problem, and really only moves it to the moon.

"Lawyer: Rock Cleared in Paternity Case"--headline, Associated Press, Aug. 7

Besides moss, apparently a rolling stone does not gather offsprings either.

"Third Foot and Mouth Outbreak Suspected"--headline, News.com.au, Aug. 9

Makes sense. One for the mouth, and 2 to walk with.  What every politician needs!

"Meeting on I-471 Ramp Tonight"--headline, Enquirer (Cincinnati), Aug. 9

Pre-planned accidents?

"Skull Suggests Two Early Humans Lived at Same Time"--headline, FoxNews.com, Aug. 8

I think they were called Adam and Eve.

"Schools Offer Free Water, Garbage to Attract Teachers"--headline, WRAL-TV Web site (Raleigh, N.C.), Aug. 17

Now that is working cheap!  I can offer some garbage for teachers for my children too!

"Angels Use Wings to Make Up for Lack of Offensive Muscle"--headline, CBS Sportsline, Aug. 22

I thought they used them for flying?