"Dangerous Animals Ban Heads for Debate"--headline, Des Moines Register, March 29

Only Tails allowed to talk.

"Pet Owners Likely to Get Little in Suits"--headline, Associated Press, April 1

Serves them right for trying to put those little suits on their pets!

"WHO Says Organ Demand Outstrips Supply"--headline, Associated Press, April 30

Probably all the people waiting for an organ.

A 2fer:

"Swedish Couple Fights for Right to Name Their Baby 'Metallica' "--headline, Associated Press, April 3
"Baby's Poor Response to Name May Warn of Autism"--headline, HealthDay.com, April 3

I would not speak to my parents either if they named me Metallica!

"Bear Man Faces Hate-Crime Charges"--headline, News Journal (Wilmington, Del.), April 3

Since when is indecent exposure a hate crime?

"Police Chief Asks Public for Tips"--headline, Kansas City Star, April 3

Result of latest budget cuts.

"Man Shot by Pistol Thrown in the Trash"--headline, Associated Press, April 4

Guess no one wanted to claim the body.

"Belgium Local Authorities Deny Barbequing Tax Reports"--headline, Novosti (Russia), April 4

Taxpayers denied nothing.

"Researchers have finally solved one of the great canine mysteries: Why are small dogs small?"--Los Angeles Times, April 6

Because if they were big dogs they would be called big dogs?

"8,000 Pot Plants Found; Two Arrested"--headline, San Francisco Chronicle, April 6

Did the other 7,998 get off with just a warning?

"Disabled Turkey Hunt to Be Held"--headline, Moberly (Mo.) Monitor-Index, April 3

Did they clip the wings?  Or break the drumsticks?

"Apple Probe Will Shake Up Whole Music Industry"--headline, MarketWatch.com, April 4

I know where I would like to put that apple probe in the music industry.  Right up their.................