"Mountain Lion Thought to Be Dead Now Missing"--headline, KUSA-TV Web site (Denver), March 22

Did he get up and walk away? Maybe he was just lion about being dead.

"Forces Gather to Arrest the Decline of the Industrial Sector in France"--headline, Financial Times, March 23

The industrial sector of France Surrendered without a fight.

"Man Arrested for Robbing Same Store Twice"--headline, WLBT-TV Web site (Jackson, Miss.), March 22

Moral - Only rob each store once to stay out of jail.

"Study: Cannibals Usually Dine Alone"--headline, LiveScience.com, March 23

Alone - except for their meal.

"Aspirin Protects Women From Dying of Any Cause"--headline, Bloomberg, March 26

Aspirin - the real fountain of youth!

"Lack of Ice Set to Kill Start of Canadian Seal Hunt"--headline, Reuters, March 27

Those hunts just are no good without a good martini.

"Military Officials Discuss Sentence for Hicks"--headline, NPR Web site, March 27

Bubbas beware.

"Naval Academy Looking at Cruise Behavior"--headline, Associated Press, March 27

He should stop jumping on couches.

"Police Seek Help in Killing"--headline, Orange County (Calif.) Register, March 26

"Hey Bugsy!  How does youse pull the trigger?"

"Deadly Nut Tapped as Biofuel Source"--headline, Discovery.com, March 28

The letter bomber finds his mission in life.

"Fire Experts Say Wildfires Could Start Anytime"--headline, KTAR-FM Web site (Phoenix), March 29

When did they stop the 9-5 rule?