"Event Opposed for Its Gay Ties"--headline, Pioneer Press (St. Paul, Minn.), Jan. 24

Only earth tone ties allowed.

"Jackson Ex-Lawyer Testifies in Tape Suit"--headline, FoxNews.com, Jan. 24

Duct Tape - it is not just for fixing any more!

"Water Board Cited as Ineffective"--headline, Pioneer Press (St. Paul, Minn.), Jan. 26

The CIA going back to flaming bamboo under fingernails.

"Sting in former Soviet republic illustrates how accessible nuclear material is"--subheadline, MSNBC.com, Jan. 25

He should stick to singing with the police, not acting like James Bond!

"Brain Damage Seems to Ease Smoking Cravings, Study Says"--headline, FoxNews.com, Jan. 26

So only smart people can smoke?

"World's Oldest Person Dies for the Second Time in Two Weeks"--headline, KUSA-TV Web site (Denver), Jan. 29

Lazarus just wont give up!

"Chinese Colonel Sees Arms in Space"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 27

I have heard of the long arm of the law, but the long arm of the China Army?

"Anchorage Is Getting Socked With Snow"--headline, Associated Press, Jan. 26

Newcastle getting socked with coal, Saudi Arabia getting socked with sand, etc....

"Lawyers Point Fingers in Fatal Shooting"--headline, Denver Post, Jan. 25

My fingers just shot blanks!

"Never Give an Iguana Viagra"--headline, Reuters, Jan. 25

Does it make their tail stiff?

"Hezbollah Leader Nasrallah Attacks Bush"--headline, Reuters, Jan. 30

Denies it was the bush that spoke to Moses.

"States Revisiting Electoral College"--headline, Washington Times, Jan. 31

"Hi!  I am Virginia.  Class of 1788."

"Ethics Watchdogs Looking for Teeth"--headline, Washington Times, Jan. 31

What is this watchdog going to do, gum you to death?