"Study Shows Doctors Miss Flu in Children"--headline, Associated Press, July 5

I bet the children dont miss it much.

"Virgin Woman Sentenced for Unlawful Sex"--headline, Associated Press, July 13

The Absense of sex is a sex crime?

"Stalker to Lead Ankeny Schools as Interim Chief"--headline, Des Moines Register, July 12

Well, at least they will be able to keep track of his activities.

"Austism More Common Than Thought"--headline, Reuters, July 14

Apparently thought is becoming very rare.

"Bird Droppings Survive Space Launch"--headline, Associated Press, July 5

Great.  So now we have to worry about outer space bird poop falling on us?

"Volcano Found as Etna Erupts"--headline, Times (London), July 18

Was it the lava that gave it away?  Or the big boom?

"Cingular Chair Stand-Off Heats Up"--headline, Boston Herald, July 12

Seat covers at 20 paces?

"Australians Upset Over Loud Manilow Music"--headline, Associated Press, July 17

If they are upset about Manilow, just wait till I send them my Slim Whitman CDs.

"Deputy's Missing Badge Is Sought"--headline, Statesman Journal (Salem, Ore.), July 18

Calling all Cars.  Calling all Cars.  Be on the lookout for a shiny piece of tin.  Last seen on Deputy Fife.  It is considered unarmed, but dangerous.