"Man Critical After Losing Control of Scooter"--headline, News Journal (Wilmington, Del.), May 22

I would be more than critical.  I would be cussing!

"Firm Recalls Salads in Utah"--headline, Deseret News (Salt Lake City), May 23

Now wait a minute.  I know caffeine is out for Mormons, but when did they ban salads?

"Panel: Legislators Shouldn't Work Drunk"--headline, Associated Press, May 22

They dont work sober either.

"Hicks Could Factor Big in Alabama Primary"--headline, Hotline blog, May 23

That would be the redneck constituency.

"U.S. Army Weighs Blimp Fleet for Iraq"--headline, WorldTribune.com, May 23

How are they going to get them to stay on the scales?

"U.S. Man Seeks $1.6 Mln in Dead Dog Suit"--headline, Reuters, May 23

Must be Cruella Da Ville's husband.

"Danger Can Lurk in Morning O.J."--headline, HealthDayNews, May 24

Kind of Dangerous before he was mourning too!