"Brunett Takes Command of Squadron"--headline, Pacific Daily News (Hagatna, Guam), May 12

The blond flunked the test when she turned off the fans in the front of the plane.

"Light's Most Exotic Trick Yet: So Fast It Goes . . . Backwards?"--headline, press release, University of Rochester (N.Y.), May 11

I thought that was called a mirror.

"Princeton Mulls Uses for Hospital"--headline, Times (Trenton, N.J.), May 12

Hint for the Ivy League elites - try sick people.

"L.A. Morgue Faces Overcrowding"--headline, United Press International, May 12

They are just dying to get in.

"Penguins Wash Up Dead in Argentina"--headline, United Press International, May 12

Don't they have penguin labor laws down there?  I guess some one needs to clean the corpses.

"Experts Squeeze the Meaning Out of Creepy Hugs"--headline, Chicago Tribune, May 14

Touch, Touch, Kiss, Kiss is out.  Bear hugs are in.

"Wife 'Didn't Realize Husband Was a Woman' "--headline, Daily Mail (London), May 15

Husband wants to know where the 3 children came from.