I know a man.  Man.  Kind of funny to refer to a person whose diapers I changed, but then he is a man.  Now almost 36.  A father - a good father to a wonderful little girl.  Whose name, like so many in his family, bears the surname of his grandfather.  Who had no sons.  So his name could not be brought forward under his lineage.  Yet of his grandchildren, and children, at least 5 bear his surname now.  Girls and boys.  It is like Chris.  In that it can be either gender.

Sorry for the digression. 

Anyway, this man loved his father.  But his father had problems,  IN his words "he was a weak willed man dominated by strong women".  One of them was his mother.  I know her very well, and have to agree.  But this man could not satisfy those women, and so he was married 3 times.  The last probably the worst as she manipulated him like "a harp from hell" (attribution to Danny Devito).  She wanted him to re-establish his relationship with his children and step children, but only under her tutelage and control.  He tried.  He succeeded with some.  Failed with others.  Both natural and step.

But he did succeed with my friend.  My friend so wanted a father that he went to live with him for a short time.  And even after moving out on his own, he tried to keep a relationship.  My friend's daughter was born when he lived but 1/2 hour from his father.  Yet his father never saw his granddaughter.  A beautiful child.  One that would capture the heart of any parent as being precious!

But my friend's father never could get any of his daughters to talk to him.  His second marriage and his then wife made sure that she was queen bee, and he danced to her tune.  A shame really.  If he had had the backbone to say "stop!  These are my children!" he could have had it all.  But he was a weak willed man.

Late in life, one of his step daughters re-established contact and being the only father she knew (well not exactly - she knew another step that while not abusive, was totally indifferent), she bonded to him. Even to the point of forgetting the bad and fantasizing a life that was just that.  A fantasy.  And so late in life, she was his only "child" that had not given up hope on him.

The other steps?  2 gave up long ago.  One after he tried to swallow a gun.  The other after accusing him of abuse.  And the third?  He stuck it out for a long time.  Hoping that this was the father he had never known or would know.  But betrayal is a hard thing to get over.

Now you know the players. 

He died.  A cancer from too much abuse of his body finally claimed him.  The daughters did not care.  They had long ago accepted that he could not or would not be a father to them.  The steps, with the 2 exceptions, did as well.  They went on with their lives. He never knew the grand children they had for they would have nothing to do with him.

But the son?  He always held out hope.  He had a life now, with a wife and a child in another state. Yet he never hated the man, nor wanted to be estranged from him.  He wanted a grandfather for his child.  Yet the father could never seem to bring himself to be a part of that life.

When the father died, the son only wanted to be there with him.  Yet his last wife refused that request.  And the step daughter that had re-established the relationship?  She went along.  Together they denied the son, my friend, the chance to grieve and bring closure.  He traveled back to be there.  Stopping short as he did not know where exactly the service was to be held (it was held in another city and place that he did not know how to get to).  And finally on the day of the service, the step daughter finally answered his call.  But would tell him no more.

His ashes were scattered in a field.  The only attendees were his step daughter, a step daughter in law, and a brother (his other brother was not welcomed).  And my friend was left to drive back to his home.  Not able to say goodbye to his father. Not able to bring closure to a rough, but loving, relationship.

The step daughter and third wife were grieving.  Of that I am sure.  But their grief was marred by a desire for vengeance.  Having not been able to manipulate the other children, in death they decided to punish them.  And they succeeded.  My friend is hurting, and I am hurting for him.  I have known him for 36 years.  And a finer man you will not find anywhere.  A man that was afraid to marry because of the failure of his father to stand up and be a man.  And for the wives (not his mother) that could not tolerate his father having an outside relationship not in their control.

IN the end, this man, the father, destroyed relationships with not only his own children.  But with his steps.  He destroyed the relationship with his daughters when he married his second wife.  A marriage that ended when he tried to commit suicide.  His relationship ended with his step daughter when he abused her (not sexually).  His relationship ended with his step son when he tried to swallow a gun (not the same incident).  his relationship ended with his son when he died.  And his last wife and step daughter would not even allow my friend to be there for the ceremony.

In the end, he  destroyed, through conscious thought, or by being a weak willed man, his relationship with all his children.  Even the devoted daughter.  How?  For in the end, with her not allowing any of the other children to grieve and say goodbye, she told the rest of her siblings - fuck off.

In the end, he got all his children.  Step and natural.  And in a very sad way, destroyed their faith in people.  And him.

And I grieve for him and them.  For what could have been, but now can never be.  I pity the father.  For what he lost, and will never know.  But most of all, I mourn for the step daughter that thought she had found family, only to find out that she has none. Because she could not understand that anger is not hatred.  Anger can be and often is justified.  Hatred is not always bad, and even in that respect, it is good.  It still indicates caring.  But neither she nor the last wife could get past their vengeance to understand that.  And so they shut out the other children.

And in so doing, cut off her real family from herself.  And hurt my friend most of all.

May the man rest in peace.  He does deserve it.  Now he is beyond the strong women.  And if there is an afterlife, he now knows that his children did love him.  But they did not like him.

And the women left?  Left to live the rest of their lives in bitterness and loneliness.  Not understanding anything, but their own bitterness.

I mourn for my friend.  I mourn more for the sister that tried to block the rest of the family.  And even today does not realize she lost it all when she failed to understand.  I do not mourn for his last wife.  She got what she wanted.  IN that, I hope she is happy.  Somehow, being familiar with the subject, I don't think she will be.

I know that none of his children, natural or adopted, are.